Does stability crush desire?

So you wake up one morning and you look at the woman still asleep in the bed next to you. You realize that you've been together 17 years as you hear the 4 year old quietly at first calling for mommy and hear the 17 year old just getting in from a night of partying.

Question: What is your first reaction? What do you do first?

a. run to the 4 year old in frustration
b. throw yourself out the second story window (dramatic choice I know)
c. wake up your wife and tell her to deal with it
d. slowly move in behind your wife, wrap your arms around her, gently kiss her neck, and tell her how much you love her and your life, and remind her of the date you two have later that night?

Ok, that quiz may be a little obvious, but it illustrate my point that in a relationship over time the most important thing you can do, the most important thing, is to nurture the relationship.

We live in a culture that positions us, especially women to thing that their kids must always come first.
We all know this and it is constantly being supported by the language we take up and use and by our friends and then self-policed by us....

But what are the implications of "always" putting the children first?
What are we giving up?
What are the benefits to this way of thinking and what gets lost in it?

I would suggest that what gets lost is the thing that brought you and your spouse together in the first place. What gets lost is the "umph" the exotic, the romantic, the thinking of yourself as a sexual, sensual, and desired partner...

I've heard so many women say to me when I was a stay at home dad, my children need me now, I'll get back to my husband when they grow up.

(This is not to blame the women or put the responsibility on them, this is a culturally positioned idea in which both men and women engage)

To hear more about this idea: Does stability crush desire? Check out the podcast at:

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remember, there are many, many truths.

Kenny Benjamin

1 Comment

  1. Lisa Haley Oden says:

    I think Marcelo and his wife are able to maintain the excitement of their relationship because they each truly love and value the other person. Marcelo is wise enough and thoughtful enough to give to his wife what "she" would find thrilling and surprising. Often in relationships we give to others what makes "us" happy. We are then surprised and disappointed that our efforts were not appreciated.
    I understood when Marcelo mentioned "knowing" his wife so deeply, he could do something thoughtful that would not upset her on the receiving end.
    No, I do not believe that the exact excitement of first kissing someone can be replicated over time. Each experience will bring new emotions, I do believe that knowing another being "that" well after time and appreciating their unique qualities results in experiencing life together in an even more exciting way


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